Two Ditches of Authority: Avoiding Domineering and Cowardice
“Coach, you alright?” The 6’7” 315 pound, high school senior and college football prospect, Kevin Wiggins, stared at me from the passenger seat. We had just finished an Elite college recruiting camp at Penn State University showcasing his skills with two other highly touted college prospects. As we were driving back to Washington DC big Kevin Wiggins looked at me with a straight face and asked in a calm, steady tone, “Coach, you alright?” I was not alright. I had fallen asleep at the wheel and was driving 70 mph on the patch of grass between the North/South lanes of the highway. Those three words saved my life that day, pulled me out of the ditch after falling asleep at the wheel, and protected those under my care in the car that day.
Brothers, pastoral authority is a little like driving a car on the interstate. We want to stay in the center of the lane avoiding the two ditches on either side. We want to avoid the ditch of cowardice and passivity leading our churches and homes asleep at the wheel. And we want to steer clear of the ditch of a domineering, oppressive rule. Since that day on the highway in Pennsylvania, by God’s grace I have not driven into any more ditches, but if I am honest I have driven into both ditches as pastor. And I have had dear brothers and sisters help pull me out of those ditches with three simple words, “Pastor, you alright?” It has come from my wife, my staff, my friends, church members and even my kids.
I am sure some of you are “sleeping at the wheel” in your leadership. You may be avoiding a hard conversation with the non-attending member, or addressing a disgruntled deacon, or correcting a divisive small group leader. You have things you know you need to do, but have fallen into the ditch of passivity and cowardice. Others of you may be in the domineering ditch. Your staff may feel you are overly critical of every one of their decisions, your congregation may feel you are never satisfied with their spiritual growth as you constantly point out their faults from the pulpit, or you may be short and dismissive with your wife as she labors to help you shepherd your children. Today, I simply want to be you like Kevin Wiggins was to me that day and ask, “Pastor, you alright?” And maybe, those three words can pull you out of the ditch and help protect those under your care.
Every pastor has natural leanings in how we wield authority. Some lean towards passivity while others lean towards domineering. Proverbs 21:2,
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,
but the LORD weighs the heart.
Brothers, our leadership may seem right in our eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart. We need to work hard to mine the depths of our heart to understand the whys behind our ways of authority. How you wield authority reveals your heart. Many of us rejoice in the last words of David in 2 Samuel 23:3b–4,
When one rules justly over men,
ruling in the fear of God,
he dawns on them like the morning light,
like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning,
like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth.
David knows all too well the two ditches of authority. He fell into both. He saw people flourish under good leadership and others wilt under his cowardice. These could have easily been his last words,
When one rules unjustly over men,
ruling in the fear of man,
He dawns on them like hurricane winds,
Like the darkness creeping in on a stormy night,
Like the drought withering the leaves from a once prosperous tree.
Brother pastor, are your members flourishing or withering under your leadership? Are they like a tree planted by streams of water or a withering fig tree? What about your wife and children? How would they describe your oversight?
A few years ago I was coming off a sabbatical and I was sitting with one of my staff to check in and he said, “I am nervous for you to come back to the office. I have this feeling that I am just going to let you down. Sometimes I feel I can’t do anything right.”
Every way of a leader is right in their own eyes, but the staff senses the heart. I thought I was leading him and others to flourish, but I actually was making him feel like I valued his production more than his person. I would not have thought I was domineering, but my task driven nature told a different story for those under my authority. I didn’t realize the depth of my pride and judgmental spirit. Jesus said in Mark 10:42–44,
You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.
Since that conversation, I have been searching my heart and discerning the whys of my ways of leadership. And by God’s grace, I have seen and learned the whys of my domineering spirit and sadly, have seen and learned the why of my cowardice. And I think more importantly, as I have discovered my faults and failings as a leader, I have come to appreciate even more the leadership of the Lord Jesus, “who did not come to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).
I have learned even more of the sweet gift of confessing my bad authority and to rest in the finished work of Christ and learn from his good authority. Let me help you discern the whys of your ways by asking, “Pastor, you alright?” to a few areas of ministry to help you see the ditches of your own authority. I am going to ask a series of questions and pray the Holy Spirit reveals if you are in or heading towards a ditch.
PASTOR, YOU ALRIGHT IN YOUR PREACHING?
Domineering Ditch - Do people hear more law than grace from the pulpit? Do they feel like they are always being corrected? Scolded? Are you a fault-finding preacher?
Cowardice Ditch - Are you afraid to say the hard truth? Are you timid to speak about sin? How often have you mentioned hell in the past three months?
PASTOR, YOU ALRIGHT IN YOUR SHEPHERDING?
Domineering - Do you judge others in your heart? Are you quick to criticize church members to your staff or spouse? Do you make demands of your members’ time in how often you expect them to serve the church? Do you ever ask for feedback on how people are being cared for? Do you respond harshly when someone asks to change a system or add a program? Do you overstep in your authority by giving counsel beyond Scripture? Are you more concerned with being in control than serving others?
Cowardice - Do you shy away from making difficult decisions? Do you delay acting out of fear of man? Do you hide behind ‘being patient’ knowing it’s a mask for your passivity? Are you overly concerned about what others think? Are you hesitant to confront big givers when they sin? Are you afraid to admit mistakes because of fear of losing respect or authority?
PASTOR, YOU ALRIGHT WITH YOUR STAFF AND ELDERS?
Domineering - Do you centralize every decision around you? Does anything rise up in you when the elders disagree with you? Or when the staff challenges you? Do you rarely share the pulpit or feel like your voice is the one that needs to be heard? Do you feel like you have to be the one to address ever difficult matters at members’ meetings? Does your staff feel free to express their concerns or intimidated to speak up?
Cowardice - Do you ever provide feedback to your staff’s preaching or ministry? Do you procrastinate having difficult conversations because you are afraid of how they will respond? Do you avoid making tough staff decisions for the good of the church like avoiding addressing toxic behavior or afraid to reassign roles or even making necessary dismissals out of fear? Do you fail to speak up for staff when they are unfairly criticized by church members?
PASTOR, YOU ALRIGHT IN YOUR HOME?
Domineering - Do you often dismiss or override your wife’s opinions, feelings, or preferences in decision-making, insisting on your own way? Do you use guilt, manipulation, or anger to control your wife’s actions or choices, especially when she disagrees with you? Do you not listen to your wife? Do you use intimidation, or excessive punishment to maintain control over your children’s behavior, rather than guiding them with patience and grace? Would your family think of you as a person of grace?
Cowardice - Do you often avoid making important decisions or leave major responsibilities to your wife, even when they affect the whole family? Do you hesitate to address conflicts or issues in your marriage, preferring to ignore them or hope they resolve on their own? Are you disengaged from your family when at home, physically present but emotionally absent? Do you consistently avoid setting boundaries, providing guidance, or addressing discipline issues with your children, leaving your spouse or others to handle these responsibilities? Do you neglect family worship?
PASTOR, YOU ALRIGHT?
Those three words applied to different areas of authority can pull you out of the ditch of a cowardly or a domineering spirit.
I have found the best way to discern your authority is to ask those who are under it. And I have found the best way to grow in your authority is to pray and look to the one who is over you. It is wise to confess where we are not always alright and to remember the great 70’s anthem, “Jesus is just alright, Jesus is just alright with me.” Of course, Jesus is more than just alright. He is the perfect leader. He was never domineering or cowardly. He always stayed in the center of the Father’s will.
Jesus gave a true, hard word to the woman at the well encouraging her repentance. He gave a strong word of rebuke of the self-righteousness of the Pharisees. He gave a kind word to the weary and heavy laden as one who is gentle and lowly. He reached out and touched the unclean leper and was willing to make him clean. He corrected the pride of his disciples by reminding them that whoever is not against him is for him. He welcomed the smallest child into his life as well as the woman full of sin. He was not ashamed to call us brothers in the congregation of the righteous. He who had all authority, shared that authority with his disciples to cast out demons and bring people to repentance. Jesus took off his outer garment, got down on his knees, and washed his disciples feet. He saw the crowds who were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd. For the joy set before him, He spread out his arms wide and hung on the cross for hours because he loved sinners.
Jesus was not domineering but laid himself low. Jesus was not cowardly but lived to please God in every way. Jesus is perfect; he is always alright. And we are not. So what are we to do? We remember that he has given us authority to lead our home and church. We are called to be shepherds, yet we must remember we are merely one of the shepherds, under the Chief Shepherd. We are mere undershepherds, under his authority, acting on his behalf, for his glory.
There is one more category I need to ask about before I close. Pastor, you alright? Not in your ministry, but in your soul. How are you handling the weight of ministry? Is sin enticing? Are you drifting from your first love? Have you stopped resting in the finished work of Christ? Brother pastor, do you know that your sins are paid for? Do you know that Jesus Christ is pleased with you not because of what you do and how well you wield authority, but because you are his? Do you know that for your sake, Jesus became sin who knew no sin that in him you might become the righteousness of God? Do you know Jesus is close to the brokenhearted and the contrite in spirit? Do you know that if you are in sin, Jesus is willing and ready to forgive you? If you are not alright, turn to Jesus, his arms are still spread out wide ready to receive you.
Brothers, I pray if you are veering towards a ditch of cowardice or domineering, you turn back to the center of the Father’s will. God has given you to your church as a gift so that they may flourish under your care. He has given you to your wife and children for their good. God wants your tender words, your gentle rebukes, your passionate exhortations of truth and your firm guiding hands to lead your church and family to flourish in their love for Jesus. Pastor, you alright? Remember Jesus is alright with you for He came not to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for you so you can heed these words and fulfill the charge in 1 Peter 5:2–4 in the power of the Spirit, to
Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.
And on that day, you will forever be, alright.
