Friendship and the Pastor’s Wife: Building Connection and Avoiding Isolation

Being a pastor’s wife can be isolating and downright lonely at times. The expectations—bluntly spoken or excruciatingly implied—can make you feel as if you aren’t a normal woman, as if you are in a different category than other women. Many pastors’ wives are automatically placed in certain categories by others: the counselor, the spiritual advisor, the mentor, the teacher, and, my favorite, the one who is supposed to do whatever no one else wants to do. While she may, in fact, be some of those things, it is unfair for others to expect her to be. In addition to these categories are expectations to be the best wife, have the most well-behaved kids, be an awesome Bible teacher, and an all-around angel of a person at all times. These expectations create a barrier for other women to attempt to get to know you, relate to you, and even like you for the unique, yet normal, woman that you are. The weight of these for the pastor’s wife can also contribute to her putting up a guard and discouraging her from seeking out connections with other women. I know this was my personal experience.

In full disclosure, I struggled with making connections for too many of our 36 years of pastoral ministry. Maybe this was a personal problem, being an introvert, or “user error,” if you will. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not alone in this struggle. I have felt the weight of unrealistic expectations and the fear of disappointing others with my “normalness.” I’ve felt the hesitancy of other women as they sized me up and wondered if it was safe to be friends with the pastor’s wife. I became gun shy as I experienced the betrayal of someone I thought wanted to be my friend only for her to use my normalness against me. This experience brought me to a place, early in ministry, when I determined that I could not and would not be friends with any women in the church.

This left me feeling lonely and isolated, albeit safer. I lived by this mantra until I was convicted of my error in believing that the difficulty of making connections equaled impossibility or that it relieved me of the responsibility to follow God’s instructions to live in community. As a Christ-follower the directives given to me are clear in doing my part to make connections with other Christ-followers. Living in isolation was not God’s plan for me, even if I am an introverted pastor’s wife. My journey ever since God transformed my heart has been deeply fulfilling. God has rewarded me with beautiful relationships with other women in my church, ministry partners that have become dear friends, and enriching experiences as I have allowed myself the transparency to be a normal woman.

Here are some lessons I have learned along the way. These are not exhaustive, by any means, but I hope they will encourage you.

1. FIND YOUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST, NOT A TITLE.

I learned that if I view myself properly, it will help others view me properly. If I am comfortable and confident in who God made me to be, it will come across and make others comfortable too. Don’t put on a persona or try to be what others want you to be or even what you think you should be. Be who God created you to be—a uniquely gifted and created woman who loves God with all her heart, follows Christ, and loves others wherever God has placed her. Period. This is God’s plan for all believers, not just pastor’s wives. Ask God to clarify your identity as His daughter and ask the Spirit to help you live out that identity. A confidence in who God made you to be in Him will put unrealistic expectations to rest (Eph 1:3-14, 2:10; 1 Jn 3:1).

2. EMBRACE THE TRUTH THAT WE ARE CREATED FOR COMMUNITY — TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS.

Romans 12:9-21 paints a clear picture of connections with other believers as opposed to isolation. It is God’s plan. It’s up to me to be a friend so I can have a friend. Here are some practical hints that may make it easier to get started:

• Smile readily—smiling goes a long way.

• Make the first move toward others. Yes, even introverts can do it.

• Be warm and open to others.

• Ask questions and be a good listener.

• Be yourself.

As you work at building community, you will find that God’s plan really works. Your care and concern for others will grow in a way that is noticeable to others. Pick out the most challenging instructions for you from the Romans 12 passage and ask God to help you to grow in these areas.

3. BE REFRESHINGLY AUTHENTIC AND WISELY TRANSPARENT.

The definition of authentic is “not false but real; true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.” I find this type of person to be so refreshing, don’t you? But I will admit that I grew up as a pastor’s daughter and felt like I needed to maintain a spiritual front and hide anything that would make me look like I did not have my act together. This unrealistic expectation for myself carried over into my adult life. What a burden that was! It wasn’t until after a few years of ministry that I discovered that being “real” and admitting my personal struggles actually helped other women feel more comfortable around me. It gave them permission to be “real” too. I discovered that this is the only way to have true connection with others.

However, being authentic and transparent does not give us an excuse to “let it all hang out” and share things that would do harm to the gospel, the church, or to the pastor who is your husband. Let’s be honest, there are simply some things that you are privy to as the pastor’s wife that should not be shared with other members of your local body of believers. This is where wise transparency comes into play. To be transparent is to be “free from pretense or deceit.” There is a way to be real, unpretentious, and true to yourself without causing harm. The Bible is full of guidelines for God-honoring speech. These guidelines are for every believer, not just pastors’ wives. Pray for wisdom in your transparency! (Prov 10:31-32; Eph 4:29-32; Col 4:5-6)

4. ASK GOD TO GIVE YOU A SPIRITUAL MENTOR OR COUNSELOR OUTSIDE OF YOUR CURRENT MINISTRY SPACE WHO IS OLDER IN AGE OR EXPERIENCE.

We all need someone with whom we can vent, no wait, I mean process things. You know what I mean… Having a trusted mentor or counselor who will laugh with you, cry with you, and be totally honest with you is a true gift. And it’s biblical! Titus 2:3-5 gives clear direction: “Older women are… to teach what is good…encourage the young women… that the word of God may not be dishonored.”

I pray that these few lessons that have helped me so much through the years will encourage you and spur you on to fighting for connections. Young pastors’ wives and church planting wives, avoid isolation with all your being. It is not healthy, nor is it God’s desire for you. If you are struggling to find your way out of isolation and would like to talk to someone, please reach out to me or to the network for help. Be accepting to those more experienced ministry wives who are offering to help you. More experienced pastors’ wives, be intentional about coming alongside another sister in ministry. Offer a shoulder, an ear, your prayers, and your time to invest in a relationship with them. I promise that, like me, you will find some of the sweetest connections that can be made this side of heaven.