When Pastors Blow It
The experience is common to pastors. Sometimes it comes after a complicated shepherding meeting. Other times after a sermon that necessitated just the right nuance and tone. Often the experience comes at the end of the week when the pastor looks back over the hours spend and energy invested. The experience is perhaps best expressed by the exasperated sentiment, “I wish I’d done that differently.”
Here I’m not talking about the disqualifying sins that are far too frequent in our day. I’m addressing the more common mistakes—off-hand remarks we wish we had back, ill-timed counsel that wasn’t wise or helpful, poorly placed illustrations that derailed a sermon, comments in a staff meeting that torpedoed the momentum of an idea, sideways energy wasted that you can’t get back.
Regret is a complicated emotion. Depending on the situation, it can linger for years. A sense of regret can bring discouragement and disillusionment to even the brightest ministry seasons. Many pastors take regret to their grave.
Regret is unsurprising.
Most of us entered the ranks of pastoral ministry green—in terms of being a man, being a leader, and being a pastor. We were inexperienced. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. The first decade of ministry has a huge learning curve and a large percentage of that learning will come as a result of mistakes and missteps.
Regret is common.
Far too often we look at other pastors from a distance and assume they wouldn’t have made the same mistake we did. Others seem polished, professional. Look beneath the surface, however, and we soon find fellow strugglers who have blown it in many of the same ways we have. To be a pastor is to join the ranks of those who blow it more often than we’d like to admit.
Regret is a mark of maturity.
In many ways, we want to feel regret. Not the kind of regret that crushes us in despair or gloom, but the kind that rightfully acknowledges folly. When we blow it, we want to be the kind of men who feel conviction and are led to act to make things right.
So how should you respond when you blow it?
1. APPLY THE GOSPEL YOU PREACH
Like all of life, the gospel is the starting point. In Christ, there is no condemnation for sin (Rom. 8:1). This truth applies to intentional sin and the unintentional or ignorant ways we blow it as a pastor. Pastor for any length of time and you will surely encounter many who move through life burdened by the weight of sin while professing faith in Jesus Christ. You’ll spend many hours in counsel and care attempting to unburden them with the gospel. Perhaps the best way you will help them is by modeling for them what it is to live a condemnation-free life as you apply the gospel to your failures.
2. OWN IT
Ever watched a professional sports game of any type? What happens when a player gets called for a foul or penalty? Weeping and gnashing of teeth, right? We can be like this, especially in the insecure early years of being a pastor—"It’s someone else’s fault.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “Perhaps I’d have done something different if the conditions were better.” Or, “You know what, I blew it.” Ultimately this ownership is godward as we confess our sins and shortcomings to him and find mercy and help in our time of need (Heb. 4:16). But it’s also wise and appropriate to own our failures to those hurt by our actions.
3. DON’T HEDGE
Our kids do this all the time. They come clean…kinda. Far too often, our ownership of our actions is a thinly veiled attempt to say enough to appease our consciences, while not actually revealing the true nature of our heart. Consider the pastor who spoke in anger to a fellow staff member in a meeting and used his words to belittle or mock his co-worker. There are dozens of excuses, but mature pastors aim to disclose their hearts. “You know, brother, I sinned against you in the meeting yesterday. I often find that I overcompensate for my insecurities by taking my frustrations out on other people. I left the meeting feeling convicted over my sin and I’d ask that you would forgive me.”
4. LOOK FOR PATTERNS
God gives us wonderful grace when we blow it. Not only do these mistakes drive us to the gospel, but they are chances to learn and grow. We’d counsel someone engrossed in sin to look for patterns. For example, we might caution someone battling sexual sin to avoid isolation when they are stressed because those tend to be the times he looks for an escape through pornography. Similarly, a pastor may find himself emotionally thin on a Monday morning and more likely to use his words carelessly. Such a man would be wise to avoid tenuous meetings on Mondays. Or a pastor who unprepared for a sermon might find it more likely that he goes off-script and says something regrettable. Such a man would be wise to create adequate margin for sermon prep.
5. FIND TRUSTED CONVERSATION PARTNERS
You need a couple of people who know you enough to help you process your regret. If married, your wife should be one of these partners. Ideally these would be other pastors in your church, but there are times when you’ll want to supplement from the outside. You’ll likely not have the bandwidth to make this circle too large. Just a few should suffice. These need to be the kind of people who you see often enough to see you at your best and your worst. They won’t always be there for your regretful moments, but they can provide helpful insight into trends in your life. Additionally, though we know we are forgiven through and by Christ, it can be incredibly freeing to have another person remind you of the hope the gospel provides.
6. MINISTER FROM VULNERABILITY
I’ve already commented on the gift that comes as we see trends and mature in our character. Regret can also make you a better shepherd. If we’re not careful, polished sermon and professional ministry can leave the impression to others that we have perfectly manicured lives. Our churches need to see that the gospel we preach to them also applies to us, as their leaders. This doesn’t mean every sermon is filled with self-deprecating illustrations, but it should mean that the tenor of our sermons, the nature of our counsel, and the humility of our leadership communicates to others that we are fellow travels along the path of sanctification and not merely those shouting at them from the end of the journey.
Let’s keep pressing on, brothers. Like me, I’m sure you’ve got your share of regret as you look back on another week in the work. And, as we look at what’s ahead we will surely come up short time and time again. Don’t allow these regrets to crush you. Take heart in the gospel and take steps of growth as we trust God’s power to use frail men like us to lead His church.
